As we arrive, a baboon is trying to break into our tent. The manageress shoos him away and calls a guard who arrives with his spear a few minutes later. She says our primate friend won’t return unless we offer him sweets, which seems good enough reason to ban sugar from Africa. The frisson we feel increases when we learn that guests are only allowed to their tents accompanied by guards. Welcome to the delightful excitements of Naibor Camp, one of the most exclusive tented safari camps in Kenya’s Masai Mara Game Reserve.

The camp is hidden in a grove of riverine woodland on the banks of the Talek River, enjoying possibly the best location in the Mara. Captivatingly, hippos bathe in the river at the bottom of its garden and can be seen hauling themselves out in the evening. The area has the region’s highest concentration of leopard. Rhino hang out on the south side of the river. Plus it’s strategically placed for the wildebeest migration, being close to all the major crossing sites on the Mara River. And because it’s in the heart of the Mara, there’s wildlife viewing throughout the year.

There’s a small air-strip 30 minutes away for landing private planes (or for charter ones, if you must). Or it takes mere seconds to get here if you come in a Lady Lori helicopter, as did the squillionaire who had our tent before us. The celebrity transport of choice, Lady Lori is renowned for accessing the inaccessible from finding a plant not seen by botanists since the Seventies to offering superlative safaris from the air.

But we’re here to enjoy things from the ground, to explore from an open-sided Land Cruiser the rolling open grassland and Safari Wonderland outside our tarpaulin door. So, accompanied by our guide Daudi wearing Masai suka (blanket) and beaded headdress – we set forth into Animal Disney World. We don’t wish to spend time spotting different strains of the Greater and Lesser Safari Jeep or the hot-air balloons that litter the sky so Daudi takes us off the beaten plain.

We are soon rewarded with a herd of elephant, including mini Barbars gambolling and frolicking in the sun; a band of mongoose; and enough zebra to make a crossing. Then we see one of the world’s most spectacular sights: thousands of wildebeest and zebra crossing the great Mara River. A crocodile hovers nearby. But I have to admit that, in this instance, there are also other predators in sight: the animals are closely surrounded by bands of Homo sapiens and a fleet of four wheel drives.

Our next stop is lunch. It’s nothing like the steak and baked pineapple and custard enjoyed by some back at Naibor Camp. Instead we’re served a truly memorable Out of Africa picnic complete with chairs, table and chest of food eaten under a tree on the open plain under the wide sky. If it’s specifics you want, then imagine delicious chicken drumsticks with rosemary and honey and potato salad, eaten under the ‘sausage’ fruit tree beloved of rhinos and in which the leopard likes to lie with his kill.

Back at base camp and done for the day with the wonders of the natural world, it’s hard not to marvel at some man-made wonders. Take the Little Naibor tented suites with their enormous under-lit, low-floating beds on fig-wood bases, Savannah-sized cream sofas and African wool rugs: contemporary style allied with muted bush colours. And as for the Mess Tent with its rustic fig-wood dining table and chunky bush dining ‘thrones’…well, it’s pure Conran en Afrique. And if such style doesn’t sound like the bush, you should try reflexology in the spa tent…

Naibor Camp is also so eco it makes you weep and recycle your tears of joy. Everything is solar- run. It has safari showers and charcoal-heated irons. It attracts khaki-heeled guests who want to leave the world a better place, families, people who want luxury in the bush and rich businessmen. It’s also popular with honeymooners, sipping sundowners and eating romantic meals privately under the stars. After all, it’s particularly charming at night; candlelit and gas lanterns light the paths as the sounds of hippos, frogs and crickets fill the air. And as you sit chatting about the day’s adventures around that communal table, a camp fire burns cheerily…

From £1868 per person based on two sharing for 3nights on a fully inclusive basis including flights, air taxes, park fees and transfers. Book through Scott Dunn: 020 8682 5000; www.scottdunn.com; www.naibor.com. Lady Lori helicopters can also be arranged through Scott Dunn.

WE’VE walked past tiny hamlets and ancient stone farms, stopping only to drink water from a mountain stream. We strode in dappled sunlight through pine forests, then wandered up a hill, alongside verdant fields and cattle wearing cow-bells.

Now one of the oldest monasteries in the Western world – the imposing Monasterio de Samos – stands resplendent below us in the spectacula Ouribo River valley.

No wonder walking this, the medieval pilgrimage route to Santiago de Compostela in Galicia, northern Spain, is considered something to experience before you die.

It had never crossed my mind to do it. But then Nancy Durrell McKenna, film-maker and founder of the charity SafeHands for Mothers, asked me to join their six-day, 84-mile sponsored walk – the last leg of the 500-mile ‘French Road’.

Having never walked further than seven miles, it seemed an irresistible challenge. We were a motly group of 19 international ‘pilgrims’, all with our own reasons for walking, but united by charitable worthiness.

Lesley Nelson was a 40-something Aboriginal and maternity health worker taking her first-ever trip outside Australia; Sir Robert Naylor is chief executive of University College London Hospital, usually in charge of seven London hospitals and a budget of £750 million but was now our driver and gofer.

Events organser Michelle Laven had a poignant reason for participating: ‘I want to do something really difficult to alleviate my depression,’ she said. ‘My brother died in December.’ ‘It’s a privilege to follow in the footsteps of St James the Apostle,’ added Irish midwife Sally Griffiths, tears welling in her eyes. ‘I hope to strengthen my faith.’ For me, it had taken seven weeks of traumatic preparation for me to get to this point. I had all the nerdy essentials – from spring-loaded retractable walking poles and water backpack to fashion disaster Gore-Tex tousers (thereby facing the awful prospect that it often pours in northern Spain).

For relief I’d escaped to Sweaty Betty for voguish walking gear – but the shop assistant had suddenly produced a list of anorak pilgrimage must-haves: ‘Duct tape (to cover blisters), Vaseline for preventing chafing…’ With mouting horror, I read about the refugios (hostels) in which pilgrims sleep communally in rooms full of snoring people, if they can even get a bunk, and endure cold showers. Then came Ryanair’s demand for £250 on my excess luggage – so I emptied my suitcase, put on all my clothes at the check-in desk and waddled, Michelin Man-like on to the plane.

The first night we stayed in Casa de Labranza Arza, near Samos, in a 1720s, thick stone-waled farmhouse surrounded by spectacular scenery.

Next morning we started our pilgrimag at Igles de Camino in nearby Triacastela. We stamped our pilgrims’ passports in the church. Two Lithuanian monks wearing habits asked us to join them in prayer. We held hands in a circle, dew on the grass, mist rising. ‘Bless these pilgrims, our walk,’ intoned the monk. ‘Hallelujah.’ Yee ha!

We set off, following the yellow pilgrimage arrows. For more than 1,000 years pilgrims – including Louis VII and St Francis of Assisi – have undertaken the Way to earn forgiveness for their sins. Was I going to have a pilgrimage like the actress Shirley MacLaine famously had, with visions and meetings with angels? Or perhaps the opposite – as satirised in Luis Bunuel’s film The Milky Way – of encountering religious hypocrisy and human cruelty? Over the ensuing days we climbed gently rolling hills, followed tracks between stone fences and passed ancient pilgrims’ hospitals and centuries-old churches. We walked by smallholdings with private chapels, and sprouts and cabbages growing neatly for the family’s thick evening soup (caldo).

One day, in a medieval scene, a pilgrim walked past playing bagpipes, with people following him. My James Bond-style Silva radio pedometer recorded things like: ’27km, 2,016 (calories burned), five hours 48 mins (walking), 36,273 (steps).’ Part of the interest of the journey was meeting other pilgrims. There was Lavinia Scrymgeour, 22, a Scot who’d been walking for five weeks. And Andre Barreiro, 32, a Knight of Malta and son of a retired admiral. He worked in a Knights’ hospital and had walked 1,864 miles from Rome, living on alms.

The Camino (‘Way’) is said to be a journey of the soul. Outwardly, the pilgrim faces the weather and terrain.

The inward journey is about encountering challenges and having the space to discover what’s important in life.

The first ‘test’ of my pilgrimage was living communally. One of my room-mates snored like an erupting volcano.

Still sleepless at 3am, my torch clenched between my teeth like some wannabe Girl Guide, I dragged my mattress into the corridor – only to be woken every 15 minutes by a chiming clock.

As the journey progressed, people became reflective, self-disclosing and authentic.

We were on literally and metaphorically on the walk of life – helping each other face obstacles along the way.

NORMALLY I’m competitive and have to be first – but on the Camino I challenged myself to arrive last every day. I learnt to dally and eat chorizo. When I walked alone, it was harder – just spotting the arrows pointing the Way.

Then I was more aware of minor aches – and just focused on taking one step at a time. (I discovered a team of Aussie midwives were winning by using haemorrhoid cream on their feet…) When we arrived in the splendour of Santiago, I felt both elated and deflated. We were staying in the beutiful San Francisco Hotel Monumento, a lovely old convent with thick stone walls and courtyards. Musicians played schmaltzy Ave Maria in the streets. Pilgrims wer lying on rucksack pillows, sunbathing.

The architecture rivalled Venice. But for the first time in my life it had been the journey, not the destination that mattered.

We reached the great Baroque cathedral, and joined the queue for the tomb of St James. Every pew was full for the daily pilgrims’ mass, wi th people standing and baggage and sticks piled high. I sat on the floor while an enormous silent incense burner was swung spectacularly and dangerously overhead on a massive rope.

As we wandered cheerfully to the pilgrims’ office to get our completion certificates, I surprised myself. I decided which stretch of the Camino I’d walk next…

TO donate to Safe Hands For Mothers, visit njustgiving.com/safehandswalkforlife

WEB WISDOM For more uplifting walking ideas worldwide,go to travelmail.co.uk

NOT heard of Lili TarkowReinisch yet?

Well, you soon will. She’s one of London’s hottest new songwriters.

Her lyrics are being promoted across the Atlantic to Grammy-award winning singers like Carrie Underwood, and to American Idol.

Not bad going, considering Lili is also a full-time psychotherapist, wife, mother of two, Aikido black belt and marathon runner.

And the sole decorator of her Ralph Lauren-meets-Louis-Vuitton-andAndrew-Martin-style apartment.

The entrance hall to her west London home sets the dramatic tone.

A Senegalese burial outfit hangs on the wall and the corridor is flanked with wooden African fertility symbols in museum display cabinets.

There’s an Art Deco ebony console table and, on the floor, zebra skin.

Even the nearby loo has walls of black oak planks that were used underwater as sea defences to stop enemy submarines during the War.

Lili greets me in Chanel, jeans and bling. Her hair is waist-length and her eyelashes almost as long. “Never underestimate the superficial,” she laughs.

Originally from St Louis, she came to England 15 years ago. “I came here to do a Masters in Economics at LSE.

My knowledge of the Maastricht Treaty made me the darling of every party!”

Afterwards, she returned to her private psychotherapy practice.

The apartment in which she now lives with her hedge-fund husband, Mark, and their children is stylish.

“Home” wasn’t always thus.

“When I was 12, my father left us in such penury that my mother had to apply for a special permit for me to work,” she recalls.

“Our neighbourhood was disparagingly dubbed ‘Indian Ghettos’.

“We got food stamps – which the Government give you when you’re really poor.

Our motto at home was, ‘If it ain’t broke, it will be soon’.”

Her “escape” came with a scholarship to Washington University, and she hasn’t stopped working since.

It was with a desire to put all this behind her that she tackled her décor.

The couple bought the flat five years ago: Mark liked it because it didn’t need any refurbishment.

Lili, however, had other ideas – for changing every room!

It took three years to get planning permission to knock down walls.

“For a year we lived with builders to save money.”

The experience was worse for Mark.

“I dusted him every morning before work.

He was initially resistant to the changes, so every time he travelled, I’d take a wall down!

Once, he went to his beloved steam room but it was already in the skip.”

The new look is bold, masculine, aesthetically harmonious and somewhat disturbing.

There are white walls and bleached lime oak floorboards.

“But everything has a dark side.

The flat’s full of creatures that have been captured.

Analyse that,” she says, surveying the sitting room with its reindeer rugs over sofas, old zebra skins and antler candelabra.

“That’s not just a picture of a rodeo,” she says, pointing to a wall-sized photograph.

“It’s a prison rodeo.

A sculpture, Missing Boy 3, by the Korean artist Ki June Park is purposely unsettling.

And Tim Shaw’s ‘Man on Fire’ bronze should make you cry.”

It’s also an oasis of brown, silver and monochrome.

“When the man came to design the fish tank in the TV room, he thought I was joking when I said, ‘Only black and white fish – anything with colour becomes a fish finger’.”

Underlying this order is a sense of hedonism. “There’s a bar you can dance on, and every room’s set up for a party.

A sound system follows you around the flat – anything by Shwayze, Wrapt-Up productions or Lo-Star.”

And there’s a wine fridge in most rooms.

“Yeah, pure class,” she laughs.

The sitting room is where everything happens, from seeing patients to recording music and writing songs (“with Jerry Meehan who tours with Robbie Williams, Ellie Golding who’s always in the papers, And Leo Whiteley, who signs stars for Notting Hill Music.”)

There are tribal artefacts, a yee-hah! Remington cowboy sculpture and vintage Louis Vuitton.

But also a grand piano, lead-lined acoustic floorboards and ceiling. Ceiling-height black oak cupboards conceal the kind of technical gear that warms her “trailer-park heart”. Like much of the furniture, she designed these cupboards.

“If I can’t afford something, I get it copied or hit Lots Road.”

This stylish thrift extends to the children’s rooms, despite their Ralph Lauren sleigh beds.

“There’s not a single thing they couldn’t take to their first flats.”

(The kids are aged eight and 11.)

And what of the master bedroom, an Asian enclave with Tang horses?

“Our heavenly Vi- Spring mattress is the star turn alongside my closet of car-to-bar vertiginous heels and Ruhlmanninspired tallboy.

The photographs of vintage cars are all Portobello Road finds.”

She pauses.

“Much of what’s here only costs a fiver.

But the cheap stuff’s beautifully lit, so looks expensive.”

It’s also a home bursting with love, laughter and style.

Now all she needs is a Grammy in the loo.

HOW TO GET THE LOOK

Lighting: All Square (020 7727 0606, www.allsquaregrp.co.uk) .

Handmade beds: Vi-Spring (01752 366311, www.vispring.co.uk).

Audio: BOSE sound system (0800 1074999, www.bose.co.uk); integrated lighting and music from Lutron Homeworks (020 7702 0657, or visit www.lutron.com); and Redhorn Audio Visual (020 7486 8604/8605, www.redhornav.com).

Kitchen: Gaggenau appliances (0870 840 2003); units by Clive Christian (020 7349 9200, london@clive.com).

Antiques and artifacts: Ralph Lauren (020 7535 4600) for sleigh beds. Henry Gregory Antiques (Portobello Road, 020 7792 9221) for vintage Louis Vuitton. Sebastiano Barbagallo (020 7792 3320) for African art.

Display items: from Striking Displays, Brighton (01273 423623) for Perspex display cases.

Aquarium: designed and supplied by Aquatic Design Centre (020 7636 6388).

ONE woman has thrown away the wheelchair to which she was confined for two years. She suffered from ME (chronic fatigue) for 15 years and now, confounding medical orthodoxy, is symptom-free. Another patient says he endured asthma intermittently for 30 years – and is now cured. Improbably, both say their transformation is down to yoga. They are not alone, because many major health benefits are now being claimed for the discipline.

The number of people practising in Britain has tripled in the past decade and now the first NHS yoga facility in a primary healthcare centre has opened in London’s Kentish Town. “It specialises in yoga for diabetes, back pain and breathing difficulties,” says its founder, biochemist Dr Robin Monro, also founder of the Yoga Biomedical Trust, which runs clinical trials into yoga and offers lessons.

A recent study showed that yoga can significantly lower levels of triglycerides – the fats in your blood which if elevated can lead to heart disease. Another concluded that yoga can increase brain gammaaminobutyric levels, which when lowered are associated with depression, anxiety, epilepsy and even Alzheimer’s. It’s also known to lower blood pressure, cholesterol levels and improve memory, sleep, energy, gastrointestinal function and tolerance to pain. In some instances, chronic pain can be eliminated.

Jo Manuel is a practitioner who helps sufferers of illnesses from muscular dystrophy to Parkinson’s. In 2004, she founded the Special Yoga Centre and launched Yoga for the Special Child, a unique service in Britain for disabled children. For a small, charitable facility in Kensal Rise, it punches way above its weight – Jo’s techniques have been adopted by all New York’s special-needs schools.

It was to the SYC that Samantha Cameron took her and David’s late son, Ivan, who suffered from cerebral palsy and epilepsy. “Sam said yoga helped her son relax and find more peace in his body,” says Jo.

Last month SYC held a charity art auction and raised a whopping £100,000 – with artists from Marc Quinn to Sam Taylor-Wood personally donating works – to fund its work. Television presenter Gaby Roslin said: “I’ve watched Jo working with autistic children. I’m astounded by what she achieves with kids who can’t normally even make eye contact or sit still.”

The centre teaches several forms of yoga, from ashtanga to kundalini, in general classes and has 40 instructors. There are special classes for adults with everything from ME to MS and sessions for pre-natal teenagers. Jo’s speciality, a hathabased practice, is the one she uses to treat 350 special-needs children a week.

Jo believes yoga has a positive effect on even the most serious illnesses. Fiona Agombar, a former high-flying executive and author of Beat Fatigue Through Yoga, is one of the centre’s teachers.

“I had ME for 15 years, I was in hospital for months with appalling fatigue and muscular pain, and in a wheelchair for two years. The medical view is that after five years with ME, you don’t get better,” she says. “With yoga, I’ve become symptom-free. Last year I went trekking in Nepal.”

So can yoga cure any illness? “MS, for example, isn’t going to be stopped by it,” says Jo. “But it can slow the degeneration and help sufferers manage the pain. I also see Down’s children meeting their developmental milestones earlier than those who don’t do yoga.”

Dr Monro believes more investigation is necessary if yoga is to be accepted as a part of everyday healthcare. For Jo, however, success is measured in smaller steps, such as when the mother of one disabled girl who attends SYC told her recently that thanks to Jo’s yoga classes her daughter had slept properly for the first time in nine years.

Special Yoga Centre, The Tay Building, 2A Wrentham Avenue, NW10 (020 8968 1900, www.specialyoga.org.uk). Pamper Evening 26 June, 5pm-10pm, £5 entry fee, treatments from reflexology to Indian head massage. For donations visit www.justgiving.com/syc/donate

Ever since the tornado ripped through Kensal rise, north-west London, two years ago – damaging 150 homes and rendering 50 (including ours) uninhabitable – the area has become well known.

For more than a year, the streets most affected looked like building sites. Yet since disaster struck, the rise and rise of Kensal rise has continued unabated.

Whether it was due to some creative local energy being stirred up by the cyclone, the final “coming” of a formerly up-and-coming area, or prohibitive rents in nearby Notting Hill prompting the relocation of hip shops, much has happened since the storm. The biggest changes have been in Chamberlayne road, now dubbed by vogue magazine as “one of London’s coolest streets”.

For starters, Sally Wilton opened Pinkham Lighthouse, London’s first not-for-profit arthouse digital cinema and community venue, in an edwardian theatre. And Miro Davda opened Miro’s Grocery, London’s first seasonal, locally sourced, organic grocer.

Still on the foodie front, The Diner, with outposts in Shoreditch and Soho, has just arrived, offering well-priced classic American fare (burgers and shakes). And worth the detour for the décor is Paradise by Way of Kensal rise, with live music, poetry readings and ambitious food.

Indeed, Chamberlayne road is now considered the new Portobello, encapsulating the real flavour of the area.

Among other shops there is Howie & Bell for vintage clothes, lampshades and chairs, and Niche, which offers fashionable, shabby-chic French and english stock.

My family and I moved there five years ago from Holland Park, wanting more space for less money. Our house was badly damaged by the 2006 tornado but after a rebuild we have moved back into an area we love. We got 2,100sq ft of victoriana with a 100ft garden for the price of a threebedroom leasehold in the royal Borough.

“Despite the recession, there’s a huge demand and a shortage of property here now,” says Alan Isaacs, director of estate agent Queen’s Park Partnership. “Prices £ 460,000: three- bedroom NW10. Through Marsh & have dropped by about 20 per cent compared with 30 to 35 per cent in many parts of London,” he adds.

The leading Tricycle fringe theatre is close, Queen’s Park is nearby and the swish Notting Hill Harbour Club is but a quick jog away. Plus there are good transport links and a regular farmers’ market.

It has more than its fair share of cool residents. Jade Jagger has a pad in a groovy former telephone exchange, while the singer formerly known as Cat Stevens resides in gated splendour.

Nearby, emma Thompson has a victorian house, so, too, does vogue editor Alexandra Shulman, while Lily Allen lives just moments away.

Many of the area’s former inhabitants, Irish immigrants and Afro-Caribbeans, have moved away as Notting Hillbillies colonised the area, but Kensal rise remains authentic and ethnically mixed. It has a vibe: it is creative, energetic, bookish and home to writers, artists and media folk.

Delicatessens and BBC employees notwithstanding, the area still retains its appealing edginess and alternative flavour.

Alternative? Well, you can probably find more yoga here than in India. Indeed, little beats the Mother Nature Clinic with its world-class massage by Krenoula evripidou.

The Notting Hillified Gorgeous hair salon has relocated from Westbourne Grove and there’s a brocante-cum-tea shop opening soon in “one of the coolest streets in London”.

Factfile

Council tax: London Borough of Brent. Band D, £ 1,343.

Schools: Kensal Rise Primary.

Public transport: Tube stations are Kensal Green Queen’s Park, both on the Bakerloo line. Silverlink rail services from Kensal Rise station to Euston take 15 minutes and go to Richmond and Stratford.

Restaurants: The Diner (020 8968 9033); Paradise by Way of Kensal Rise (020 8969 0098). Delicatessens include Miro’s Grocery (020 8968 2298) and L’Angolo

(020 8969 5757).

Market: a farmers’ market is held every Sunday in Salusbury Road.

According to Lord Mancroft, there are only three things that you need to learn in skiing: ‘How to put on your skis, how to slide downhill and how to walk along the hospital corridor’. What he forgot to mention is that you also have to learn to enjoy sporting clothes and equipment that cost the equivalent of the Greek national debt just to stand in sub-zero temperatures and suffer height vertigo. And additionally, you need to grasp that you will spend un bras et une jambe simply to break un bras et une jambe. Only a mug would do it. Yet, ooops, I’m winter-holidaying in the ski resort of Val d’Isere.

I’m in Val d’Isere with Ella, my 12 year-old daughter, a genetic aberration who likes to ski 24/7 and would happily slalom backwards down a black run. We’re here because of maternal love and Scott Dunn, the luxury tour operator beloved of celebrities and royals. On first sight, Val looks like toy town after someone has sneezed the best Bolivian cocaine over it, with a pretty layer of snow over footpaths, the Baroque church and traditional Savoyard chalets built from wood and local stone. It’s in a majestic setting and peopled less by fur coats than serious skiers, including the likes of Ben Elton, Peter Gabriel and Coldplay drummer, Will Champion.

If you don’t ski, you can do an array of lunatic snowy things like snowmobile driving (junior Schumacher on ice), driving on ice (Schumacher on ice), ice diving (going beneath the ice of Lac de Tignes, for the truly crazed), dog sledding, snow-shoeing, ice climbing (scaling a frozen waterfall with the aid of ice axes and crampons, I ask you…) and paragliding. Or take scenic flights and vivez la montaigne en helicoptere. Or you can eat, which is what I like to do.

But first to our lodgings. We’re staying in Marie, a lovely chalet which sleeps eight, with an open-plan living-area, roaring fire, exposed reclaimed timber and stone, and Hammam and plunge pool overlooking snow-capped mountains. Marie is one of a family of chalets nestling in a cul-de-sac. (If you want to do the oligarch thing, you can stay next door in Marie’s impressive sibling, Le Rocher. A snip with a starting price of £32,660 a week, it sleeps 14 and has ironic arty décor including groovy chandeliers partout, Alice in Wonderland throne chairs, a technogym and a screen on which to watch films whilst in the pool.) It soon becomes clear that we’re onto something special here. Drivers who whisk you hither and thither are included in the price and there’s one member of staff to every two guests, for who nothing is too much trouble.

Take Thomas Checkettts, the chef in Marie. He cut his culinary teeth working with Gordon Ramsay and so must be used to difficult people. Which is fortunate as I’m keen to follow a macrobiotic diet. Forget raclette and fondue, I want sea-weed and miso soup as my mountain staples. Thomas rises gamely to my Madonna-style aspirations and conjures up delicacies like beetroot jelly, sweet pea granite, and garlic and spinach veloute. But very soon I’m lured to the Other Side by his beautifully-presented gastronomic dishes of foie gras, succulent fowl with rosti and breakfasts of smoked salmon and scrambled egg with truffle oil. Diet be damned!

It would be unforgivably piggy to do nothing but eat. So I raise myself for a sports massage from physio Toby Clifford, who is about ten foot tall and all compacted brawn in army fatigue trousers. He is to deep-tissue massage what crevices are to wrinkles. Words like muscular release, relief and amazing come to mind. In the summer he pummels soldiers for the Ministry of Defence. It’s enough to make anyone join the Army. Then in a fit of further exertion, later I walk to my bedroom for a facial from Pamper Off Piste. Pamper On Piste, now that would be interesting.

Afterwards, I swim in Oxygene, the erstwhile winter Olympics press centre now converted into a sort of Chelsea Harbour Club at altitude. It boasts hydro-massage, sauna, steam bath and Art, including life-size cows in the reception area. Plus there’s a pool where women in black costumes and goggles do fierce lengths. You probably take your life into your hands as much in these lanes as you do on the slopes.

Next day, I go (drum roll) snow-shoeing with guide Michel Gavet and a group. We walk in the silence. The sounds are of nothing but falling snow. In the valley below there’s a dam and a submerged village, the church spire of which sometimes shows above the water. People are skiing like traversing ants on the mountains opposite. There are eagles, white hare, roe deer, wolves (apparently) and trees laden with lichen and snow. It’s beautiful. It’s exhilarating.

We press on. I fall over countless times, often ending up stuck knee-high in snow. It’s no walk in the park; it’s more like an aerobics session for advanced mountain goats. As we pick our way gingerly down steep and slippery snow-covered rocks like lame donkeys, there’s a Virgin Mary in a rocky shrine. A bit like the ones you find on hazardous corners of fatal roads, overseeing the accidents. I’m glad to get back to terra more firma and less slippery.

I head to L’Arolay, a rustic restaurant Savoyard with views over the Isere Gorge, for lunch. Here they serve Cremeaux du Pere Francis (a basket of potatoes and an entire cheese in a box,) which my friend, Jane, polishes off, while I content myself with a family-sized serving of tartfilette and Ella demolishes a cow-sized steak tartare. Afterwards, groaning at the waists, we pop down to the Chevallot patisserie for some gastro-porn: think window displays of tartellette framboise and eclairs and, inside, counters of fougasse and croque courgette, and an eponymous owner who is often voted, ‘best pastry cook’ in France.

Then things take a very curious twist. Give me a map of the pistes, and I usually feel giddy just looking at it but Val d’Isere is a legendary area: 300km of marked runs, two glaciers, 1930 metres of vertical drops and 90 ski lifts. And then, reader, I do it. Under the expert eye of Ken Smith, a moniteur independent, I put on a pair of skis and hit the slopes…